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Just Off-Camera

"They respect you if you write. The dumber the world gets, the more the words matter." -Dan Jenkins

Thursday, April 27, 2006

A Stereotype Walks Into A Supermarket...

About an hour ago, still putting off studying for finals, I decided to go to Ralph's (which can't hold a candle to Wegman's) and pick up some ice cream and a few other things I need for the apartment.

I pull into the parking lot, and sitting in front of the entrance (not in a spot) is a shiny black Bentley with custom rims. Why, I wonder, would there be a Bentley in front of Ralph's at 11:30 on a Wednesday night? Anyway, I park my car, go inside, get my stuff, and as I'm waiting in the checkout line, a guy who looks like and is dressed like gets in line behind me. (Pictures are just for illustration. The guy was not Elliott Yamin or Jamie Kennedy.)

These are the next actions the guy takes: He puts down two bottles of Dom Perignon on the conveyor belt. He picks up a pack of gum and puts it down on top of the bottles. He pulls out his cell phone, makes a call, and says, "Can you have two buckets of ice delivered to my room?" He says the room number and that it's under the name Landis.

At this point my stuff was paid for, so I left and the story ends. However, using pure speculation, stereotypes, and circumstantial evidence, I'm going to guess at the surrounding events.

The Bentley was his. If you're buying $250 of Champagne at Ralph's, the Bentley out front is probably yours. Also, he's probably an arrogant S.O.B. who thinks he is entitled to anything, hence the reason that he just parked it right in front instead of pulling into one of the many available spots.

He thinks he's entitled to whatever he wants because his dad is someone rich and powerful in the entertainment industry - John Landis, director of Blues Brothers and Animal House. I checked imdb.com, sure enough, John Landis has a 20-year-old son, Max (I doubt being shy of 21 is going to stop him from buying $250 of Champagne at Ralph's). Now, I have no idea whether this was Max Landis or not. In fact, it probably wasn't. But for the sake of the story, I'll call the guy Max anyway.

Max was probably staying at the W, which is less than a quarter mile from Ralph's. This being L.A., he drove the distance, which probably took longer than walking it, when you figure that he probably had to wait for the valet to get it for him. Here's how close Ralph's is to the W:Ridiculous, right?

So I'm figuring that Max met some girl at the bar at the W, decided to impress her by calling up the Bentley, getting some Dom, and now they're going to have a Champagne party in room 847.

I think picking up the gum was a little unnecessary, though. I mean, if this girl is waiting in the room, or in the Bentley, and the Dom comes out, let's face it, no amount of bad breath is going to stop her. This is Los Angeles, where you can look like a total jackass, drive 1500 feet to the supermarket, spend a ton of money on Champagne you don't appreciate (believe me, if you saw this guy, there is no way he could possibly appreciate what he's about to drink), and there's a parade of girls waiting for you because of the foregoing.

Part of me is cynical about this because it's just so ridiculous. On the other hand, you could say I'm bitter because I can't pull the ol' Bentley-N-Dom combo on a girl I flash money to at a bar. Well, maybe yes, maybe no. Do I really want that kind of girl? No. But just because I can't drive a car with a manual transmission doesn't mean I wouldn't like to try driving a Ferrari.

Ah, screw it. I'm going to eat some ice cream.


  • At Thursday, April 27, 2006 12:16:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Clearly, it is finals time. I can barely keep up with the flurry of blog entries. :-))
    Happy studying, or, at least, enjoy that ice cream while you ponder the fates of fellow shoppers. For myself, I prefer Whole Foods Market for people watching.


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