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Just Off-Camera

"They respect you if you write. The dumber the world gets, the more the words matter." -Dan Jenkins

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

A Door Button Test For The 21st Century

In the movie A Bronx Tale, there's an exchange between two characters that goes like this:
Sonny: Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, dump her.

Calogero 'C' Anello: Just like that?

Sonny: Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.
I've never seen the movie; I first heard the quote because it plays in the background of the end of the Ataris song "Your Boyfriend Sucks." (There's a lot of movies I haven't seen; odds are I'll never see this one.)

Anyway, here's the problem with the door button test - modern cars don't have the buttons. A Bronx Tale was set in the 1960s. Today, most cars have a remote you push on your key when you're still walking toward the car. Therefore, if you remotely unlock the passenger side door, when you let the girl in, the driver's side will already be unlocked.

You could say the remote's battery is dead, therefore necessitating the use of the key in the door, but that seems a little too contrived. She'll either think you can't maintain your possessions well, or she'll see she's being tested. So, with the door button test rendered obsolete by power locks and such, what is the modern equivalent?


I don't have an answer here. I'm opening this one up to all ten of you who read this.


  • At Sunday, March 26, 2006 4:46:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    How about the Starbucks test? It only works for those who drink their coffee with milk or cream, but at least it's a start until a better test is devised. Order two coffees (this won't work with latte; it has to be drip), one for her and one for yourself. If she offers to pour the cream/milk for you -- or if she at least hands you the pitcher --, that may be the functional equivalent of pulling up the button. If she pours cream for herself and leaves you to fend for yourself, well... you get the picture. As I said, it's not perfect, but at least it's an excuse for drinking coffee :-)

  • At Tuesday, March 28, 2006 7:14:00 PM, Blogger Molly Kate said…

    Simple test: picking up a phone call during a date without being wildly apologetic about a legitimate emergency of which you're being informed on said call.

  • At Monday, April 03, 2006 10:07:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yeah one of the last dates I was on the girl took two phone calls, I kept kissing so whoever called her would know I don't fucking break for nobody, but she still talked for maybe 2 minutes, pissed me off

    From now on though I'm gonna start throwing cell phones up assholes


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