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Just Off-Camera

"They respect you if you write. The dumber the world gets, the more the words matter." -Dan Jenkins

Monday, May 09, 2005

One Hundred Credit Cards I Would Rather Get Than A New York Yankees Credit Card

On Saturday, following the Kentucky Derby, in which Afleet Alex, the horse I bet $10 to win, finished third, I had the following conversation online with a friend of mine who is a Yankees fan.

Me: you let me down, Afleet Alex.
Yankees fan: at least your namesake won't be taken out behind the paddocks and shot like steinbrenner's entire team will be
Me: the yankees sent me a letter today, actually
Me: they want me to get a yankees visa card
Me: a little presumptuous, i'd say
YF: you should get it!!!!!!!!
Me: hell no
YF: come on
YF: i have a chase utley keychain
Me: i could list a hundred personalized credit cards i'd get before a yankees card
YF: pleeeeease
Me: not happening
YF: ok fine

I want to prove my point, though. So, allow me to present my list, in no particular order, of 100 personalized credit cards I'd get before I'd get a Yankees credit card. Yes, they're all real links.

100. The Amtrak Guest Rewards card. So I can ride the train.
99. The Royal Caribbean card. I've always wanted to go on a cruise.
98. The Colonial Williamsburg card. I went there the summer before my junior year of high school. I had braces and I bought a Panama hat. I look like a dumbass in those pictures.
97. The Elvis Presley card. He's the King!
96. The University of California at Los Angeles card. In case you didn't know, I go to school here.
95. The University of Pennsylvania card. Yeah, they're Cornell's rivals, but I grew up going to their basketball and football games, plus my cousin was on their football team.
94. The Major League Baseball card. No team at all is better than the Yankees.
93. The NFL Extra Points card. I can hear Hank Williams Jr. singing the Monday Night Football theme music by just looking at this card.
92. The National Hockey League card. Temporarily discontinued. Just kidding.
91. The PGA Tour card. And here I thought you had to go through Q-School to get your tour card.
90. The United States Tennis Association card. I'm not much of a tennis fan, but I'm not anything of a Yankees fan.
89. The eBay Anything Points card. So I can buy really random stuff that other people don't want.
88. The L.L.Bean card. In case I want to dress like I'm 40.
87. The BabyMint card. I'm going to have to send my kid to college someday. I can earn 1% towards that account with this bad boy!
86. The Firefighters card. They might save my ass someday, so I might as well support them.
85. The Law Enforcement card. Don't mess with Johnny Law.
84. The Defenders of Wildlife card. I hope the money raised from the use of this card doesn't go to some eco-terrorist group.
83. The Ducks Unlimited card. I get a sweet "DU" hat if I sign up for this one!
82. The Humane Society card. For good karma.
81. The National Wildlife Federation card. Ditto.
80. The Nature Conservancy card. See above.
79. The Capital One Platinum card. No hassle. What's in your wallet?
78. The Citi mtvU Platinum Select card. MTV was cooler when it used to play music videos, but MTVU does play videos - sometimes.
77. The Artist's Garden - Monet card. Monet ain't a thing.
76. The Nympheas - Monet card. Really, you can never have too much Monet.
75. The Dancers in Blue - Degas card. So I can look cultured.
74. The Sunday Afternoon - Seurat card. Never heard of Seurat. Sunday Afternoon reminds me of football, though.
73. The Roses and Anemones - Van Gogh card. Perfect for all my absinthe and ear-bandage buying needs!
72. The Colors of the Sun card. Not quite sure how they decided these were the colors of the sun. I can't look at it long enough to figure that out.
71. The Tropical Tapestry card. Whatever this is, it's better than a picture of Derek Jeter on my credit card.
70. The Celebration Tapestry card. Whatever this is, it's better than a picture of Jorge Posada on my credit card.
69. The Aztec Masks card. If there's money in Incan matrimonial headmasks, there's gotta be money in these. If you can move them.
68. The Family in the Park card. That's one trippy-looking park.
67. The Sidewalk Festival card. A festival at which none of the vendors accept credit cards, no doubt.
66. The Rose card. You can give someone a rose, but if you really want to be romantic, give that special someone a credit card with a rose on it.
65. The Clown Fish card. Dude, it's Nemo!
64. The Sea Turtle card. Dude, it's the hippie turtle guy from Finding Nemo!
63. The Dolphin card. "To train ze dolphin you must zink like ze dolphin! You must be getting inside ze dolphin's head und communicating! I am saying to Snowflake, 'Kay kay kay kay?' und he is saying 'Kay kay' und he is up on ze tail, 'Eeeeeeeeee!' Und you can quote him!"
62. The Shark card. As opposed to the card shark.
61. The 1980's: Material World card. "We're living in a material world, and I am a material girl... or boy."
60. The 1970's: Disco Fever card. Goes best with pants through which the credit card number can be read.
59. The 1960's: Flower Power card. Nothing says "I have impeccable credit" like a hippie credit card.
58. The 1950's: Sock Hop card. To remind me of the episode of Saved By The Bell with the Five Aces.
57. The Chihuahua card. Like a real chihuahua, it fits in a handbag. Unlike a real chihuahua, it can be used to buy things.
56. The Bulldog card. So cashiers know just how tenacious I am when it comes to buying things.
55. The Shih Tzu card. I'll get this one to complement my Bulldog card.
54. The Earth card. In case I really can't decide on something more specific to put on my card.
53. The Water card. Slightly more specific than the Earth card.
52. The Lucky Seven card. To use when I go to the casino.
51. The Lucky Horseshoe card. To use when I go to the track.
50. The Lucky Four Leaf Clover card. To use when I max out the Lucky Seven and Lucky Horseshoe cards during strings of bad luck.
49. The Lucky Penny card. Let me just check the limit on that card first.
48. The Electric Guitar card. Too bad there's no air guitar card.
47. The American Flag card. So nobody gets the impression that I'm not 100 percent behind everything this country does.
46. The Statue of Liberty card. Time for a funny quote from Rangers general manager John Hart on pitching coach Orel Hershiser: "Orel has a great desire to help everybody. He's like that sign on the Statue of Liberty: Give me your sick, your lame, your lazy - or whatever it is."
45. The U.S. Space Shuttle card. Good luck finding somewhere that takes credit cards in space.
44. The California Palms card. It's sunny in the picture on this card, so it clearly wasn't taken this winter.
43. The Grand Canyon card. Once, on a flight from Phoenix to Boise, I flew over the Grand Canyon on a sunny day and took a couple really cool pictures that look better than the one on this card. Unfortunately, I lost them when my computer crashed.
42. The Mount Rushmore card. I also lost pictures of Mount Rushmore.
41. The Old Faithful card. Yep, I lost pictures of Old Faithful, too. I had a really cool sequence of seven or so pictures of that thing going off - gone forever.
40. The Grand Tetons card. The Grand Teton mountains were so named because they look like giant breasts. Hey, it's a fact. Those 19th-century French trappers were a dirty bunch.
39. The Texas State Flag card. Support Cornell's goalie! (What did you think I was going to say?)
38. The Baseball card. Very generic. Very Yankee-free.
37. The Golf card. To remind me every time I make a purchase how atrocious I am at this sport.
36. The Football card. I promise not to buy things with it and then run through the woods in a bizarre, tree-loving pregame ritual.
35. The Hockey card. The expressions on the faces of cashiers in Southern California when I pay with this baby will be ones of total confusion.
34. The Island Retreat card. I'll save this one until I buy my own private island (Isla Kiniw, just off the coast of Curacao, asking price: $2 million).
33. The Snowcapped Peak card. I haven't been skiing in over four years, but I miss it.
32. The Tiger card. Rowr!
31. The Chimpanzee card. Support the president! (Come on, he looks like a chimp sometimes.)
30. The Puerto Rican Flag card. Hey, I gotta show my pride. Oh, wait. I'm not Puerto Rican.
29. The US Airways card. I already have this one, actually.
28. The Costco True Earnings card. Because really, things like ketchup and toilet paper should be purchased in the largest quantities possible.
27. The Hilton HHonors Platinum card. This is actually how the card is spelled. Presumably Paris had a hand in its creation.
26. The Dodge Rewards card. So I can buy a truck with a hemi.
25. The Champions of Charity card. Hey, if I want a special ed kid on my credit card, that's what I'm going to get! (I'm really sorry. I'm going straight to hell. I'm sorry.)
24. The Goldfish card. I have no idea what this is about. I was hoping for the snacks. It must be some British thing. I'll look into this when I'm in London next month.
23. The American Red Cross card. I'm trying to make up for the special ed joke earlier.
22. The Universal Entertainment card. Free DVDs! Too bad I never get around to watching any movies.
21. The Toys R Us card. I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid!
20. The Amazon.com card. My mom actually has this one.
19. The Disney card. The happiest credit card on Earth.
18. The Sony card. Earns money toward the gargantuan big-screen TV I will eventually get.
17. The Starbucks Duetto card. Was it necessary to throw in the word "Duetto?" Well, yes, because it's Starbucks and it has to be pretentious like that. Coffee Bean's better anyway. Besides, I get my coffee from the machine in the law school - $1 for a 16 oz. coffee, and I can't tell the difference anyway.
16. The Free Cash Rewards card. Finally, a card that gives me something of quantifiable value.
15. The Choice Privileges card. Sounds generic, but I get points toward hotel stays.
14. The Chevron and Texaco card. Providing some relief from the reaming I take every time I pay nearly $3 a gallon here in Los Angeles.
13. The National Society of Collegiate Scholars card. This was some BS organization that I joined at Cornell. They send me credit card offers all the time. It would look impressive, and I'd rather have it than a Yankees card. But still no.
12. The Daffodil card. Um...who doesn't like daffodils?
11. The German Shepherd card. So I can reminisce about the time when I was in third or fourth grade and inadvertently found myself on some private property that was guarded by two German shepherds. I've never run so fast in my life.
10. The Rottweiler card. Because I'm so badass, my credit card should have a picture of a Rottweiler on it.
9. The Labrador Retriever card. If I ever do get a dog, it'll be a lab.
8. The Piano Keys card. I took piano lessons for a few months when I was a little kid. I sucked.
7. The Tennis card. I tried tennis lessons, too. Same result.
6. The Clear New York Skyline card. New York is a great place to visit. I don't think I'd want to live there. And I hate the Yankees.
5. The New England Lighthouse card. Just wanted to throw this one in there so I can note that I also hate the Red Sox.
4. The Panda card. "Just as a panda is not an ordinary bear, a trustee of a deed of trust is not an ordinary trustee." Stephens, Partain & Cunningham v. Hollis, 196 Cal. App. 3d 948, 955. "The panda is closely related to the raccoon. Giant pandas have been described as 'peculiar bears.' (Gould, The Panda's Thumb (1980) p. 21.) With luck, this passage will end up as the following headnote in some legal digest: 'Trustee under deed of trust held to be panda bear'" Id. at 955 n.4.
3. The Philadelphia Phillies Preferred card. Because I'm a Phillies fan, not a Yankees fan.
2. The Visa card. Yep, a plain ol' credit card. Because the lack of something is better than the presence of a Yankees logo.
1. The Photo Expressions card. Hey, I can put anything I want on a credit card! Why did I go through this whole list?

Oh, right. I didn't want to study for Con Law.


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