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Just Off-Camera

"They respect you if you write. The dumber the world gets, the more the words matter." -Dan Jenkins

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

The Demise Of The Celebrity Crush

Maybe it's because I'm getting older. I mean, I turn 24 in 10 days. There are freshmen on this campus who were in second grade when Ready To Die was released. The guy leading the major leagues in ERA is younger than I am. Current fashion doesn't make any sense to me anymore, although that could just be because it sucks from an objective standpoint. But the point is, I'm aging. And I hope that's the reason for this change that I've noticed. (No, not the fifth-grade health class video kind of change.)

I've noticed that it's become increasingly difficult to pick a celebrity worth having a decent crush on. Seriously. For the most part, they're all one-dimensional, and perhaps it's because I'm a complex individual (probably not), but I need some substance to my celebrities. I'm not getting it anymore.

Take a look at the Yahoo! Buzz Index. It's a daily chart of what people are searching for online (minus the porn sites), and it gives a good indication of what's making the biggest blips on the radar screen. The female celebrities in the top 25 searches are Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Lopez, Gwen Stefani, Ciara, Paris Hilton, and Oprah Winfrey. Are any of them crushworthy? Scientific analysis tells me otherwise...

Britney Spears - I'll give her this - she has staying power. I think she's been in the public eye for six years now. And she looks hot in her videos. But that's about it. She's a moron (ever see Fahrenheit 9/11?) and although some of her songs are catchy (did I just say that?), it's not because she's a terrific singer. She's not exactly what you'd call classy, either. Like most of her companions on the buzz list, she's not worth a crush.

Mariah Carey - How old is Mariah Carey now? 40? (35, I just checked.) I actually own one of her CDs. I was in seventh grade when I bought it, so give me a break. "Hero" was me and my first girlfriend's song. I haven't listened to it in 10 years. Anyway, I don't even think I need to explain why she's not crushworthy. Even Derek Jeter kicked her to the curb, and Jeter's clearly not as cool or desirable as I am.

Jessica Simpson - Alright, I'd have to be blind and gay not to acknowledge that Jessica Simpson is beautiful. She would also lose an argument with a glass of water. And I can't forgive her for butchering Robbie Williams's "Angels" (really, I'm not gay). Okay, she's nice to look at, but I need more from my crushes. I need that aura of actually being someone I would like in real life. She doesn't have it. I'm pretty sure I'd get sick of her in under a week if I actually knew her.

Jennifer Lopez - I never got into the whole J-Lo thing. I mean, I dig brunettes and all, but I just never thought she was everything that the public made her out to be. She's overrated. Without any good explanation, I'm just going to deem her uncrushworthy because I can.

Gwen Stefani - Alright, if I had to pick one woman from the above buzz list, I'd probably pick Gwen Stefani. She's talented and obviously stays in shape. Still, she's a little too alt-girl for me. I need someone who would be okay with wearing clothes from the Gap. I mean, I don't think we'd have a thing in common in real life, so I can't get a good crush going, either. Sorry, Gwen. You'll have to find someone else to be a crush for.

Ciara - Actually, I have no idea what she looks like. I don't really watch MTV. I know that all her hit songs feature some other star rapper (Petey Pablo, Missy Elliott, Ludacris), so I don't even think her talent alone can carry her. I assume she's good-looking, just because of the shallow industry in which she works. I know most celebrity crushes don't require a lot of biographical knowledge, but how can I have a crush on someone about whom I know this little?

Paris Hilton - She's an idiot (voluminous evidence available). She's not as good looking as people think (her sister is far more attractive). And she's bad in bed (there's proof of this). Next!

Oprah Winfrey - Wow, you talk about sex appeal...and you'd be talking about someone else. Nobody has a crush on Oprah Winfrey (except for maybe Dave Chappelle).

Anyway, you see my problem. Look at the dreck that the celebrity machine produces! I would say that Jennifer Garner is as close as it comes to a celebrity crush for me - I even suffered through Elektra - but I lost a lot of respect for her when I found out she's carrying Ben Affleck's kid. Not cool, Jen. So anyway, now that she and I are through, I need a new celebrity crush. And I have no idea whom to pick.

I'm picky. I need someone who seems like a real person. This rules out supermodels. I need someone who has talent that is admirable. This rules out most of the teen pop star types. I need someone who seems intelligent. This rules out, well, a lot of celebrities. I'm looking for someone about my age, who's kind of a girl-next-door type, preferably brunette - someone who, in my mind, I can plausibly say would be interested in me if they only just knew me. This is a problem, because that last criterion rules out the majority of the female population, let alone celebrities.



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