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Just Off-Camera

"They respect you if you write. The dumber the world gets, the more the words matter." -Dan Jenkins

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Putting The "P" In Performance Enhancer

Everyone's got their panties in a bunch because of the steroid controversy surrounding baseball. Should Bonds's records have an asterisk? Should steroid users be suspended? Banned? And how can baseball catch them or punish them with such a weak steroid policy?

And while there are plenty of illegal performance enhancers out there, there are still more legal ones. Creatine, for instance, is extremely popular for bulking up, and you can pick it up at your local GNC. But there's one performance enhancer that you don't even need to leave your house to get.

I'm talking, of course, about pee.

Haven't you heard? Moises Alou and Jorge Posada have come clean about being really, really dirty. They pee on their own hands to toughen them up so that they don't need to wear batting gloves.

Since they've revealed this disturbing training habit, teammates have become reluctant to high-five them after big plays, instead opting for the fist-pound, which eliminates the need to come in contact with a potentially urine-soaked palm.

The hope here is that kids around the country don't hear about this and begin emulating their heroes. After a bottle of the steroid precursor andro was found in Mark McGwire's locker during the 1998 home run race, sales of the supplement skyrocketed as people wanted to get the same edge Big Mac had. Will high school ballplayers begin peeing on themselves in hopes of making the jump to the next level?

And even worse, there's no way to test for this performance enhancer. Every test would come back positive.

Imagine the league calling up the Yankees catcher with this news: "Mr. Posada, your urine sample tested positive for urine."

Remember Game 3 of the ALCS last season, when Posada and Pedro Martinez started screaming at each other shortly before Pedro tossed Don Zimmer aside by his ears? Turns out Posada not only was getting pissed off, he's getting pissed on.

Needless to say, you have to figure Posada and Alou aren't washing their hands after using the bathroom.


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